I Didn't Know What Else To Do

So I let this pour out.

i’ve always loved the morning

the quiet transition between night and day 

a position of patience, a time to create what I’m feeling 

but I’m never where i want to be 

the mornings never give back what i put in

maybe it’s because i don’t get up early enough 

it’s a familiar feeling

sometimes i worry that i missed the boat 

that the ship sailed without me and i’ve somehow convinced myself

that there’s still time to swim out and catch it

to be with the people that i think I’m supposed to be with 

i can see them laughing, singing, and going to each other’s weddings 

and for some reason i still wonder why i haven’t been invited 

i know all of their faces 

i recognize the sound of their collective voice 

sometimes i feel like i can even speak the same language 

but some days the haze clears - just for a little bit 

and i realize that i’m just as alone as i fear that i’ll end up 

it’s already here 

there was a blank slate and i mistook it for stone

a crisp and pristine piece of paper that i thought was trash 

i stared at my own feet, trying to plan the most effective way to jump 

while the ship set out from the wharf and left me behind 

now i’m standing on the dock, peering through a telescope

trying to learn everything that i can about the people that i think i’m

supposed to love

the people that i think can save me

i’ve learned their songs, i wear their clothes, i laugh when they laugh 

but when i call out they don’t turn around

the sounds i make drowned out by the water 

most of the time i can carry the ghost 

almost tasting the sweetness of connection

of feeling understood 

other days i stare at my hands and weep at the realization that i

someday i’ll have to leave the edge of the water 

with nothing